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September 27, 2014

Fighting the Depression Dragon Again

Occasionally, I have to go back on antidepressants for awhile, and this looks like it's going to be one of those times. I hate taking drugs, but once in awhile, life just gets too overwhelming and those suicidal thoughts start creeping back in.

It's been an insane, frustrating and aggravating couple of months, and I have gone from exuberantly happy to morosely depressed. I was so excited about moving into this house, but my too-good-to-be-true landlord actually IS just that.

I had looked forward to working on the yard, but it seems now that he doesn't really want me to add any permanent edibles here, so there really is no reason to stay. Plus, he doesn't seem to be inclined to repair any of the plumbing or other problems. Then there is the sago incident. He removed a 20-year-old double-trunk blooming female sago from the yard to put into one of his other properties. It will probably die, which breaks my heart.

I have a year lease, but this has gone from the house I was going to live in forever to the house I can't wait to get out of. It's not really the house, either. I love the house. I just want things to work and a landlord that isn't completely insane.

As always, people do not understand how frustrating this all is to me, and tell me I should just lay off the landlord. It's incredibly depressing to be genetically unable to ignore injustice without putting up a fight, and battering to your ego when people keep wanting me to just "go along to get along," like expecting someone to treat you with respect and obey the law is a bad thing.

Then there is the work situation, which is not so stable, since when I am depressed, my brain pretty much shuts down and prevents me from making money. I have worked very little in the last two months, and now my main writing site has drastically cut pay and is currently out of work. It isn't the end of the world, but it means working for peanuts for long hours elsewhere, which only adds to the depression.

Another problem is the lack of health care. There are free clinics, but they are only open in the evenings, and without a car, it's hard to get there. I don't mind riding the bus, but it's scary at night walking through any neighborhood, much less "the hood."

I just feel like everything I do is a mistake, and I'm a total screwup. Why did I move here? I knew that it sounded too good to be true, but once more, I did not trust my gut and messed up. Now I'm broke, so I couldn't move even if I wanted to and my landlord would let me out of the lease.

Stuck in a bad situation yet again, banging my head up against a brick wall to try to get justice, and probably losing the fight as usual.

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